Migraine: confidence, self esteem and living a full life

There can be such a tension between what we want to do and what our bodies seem to let us do. I guess everyone experiences that as they get older but for me as a migraineur, I have looked upon older people struggling with their deteriorating bodies and have deeply identified with them! I was in my thirties when I first felt this and on some dark days, I have thought "oh my goodness, I have years of this struggling ahead of me".

Migraine is like a recurring reminder of your body's need to find a predictable, unstimulated, routinised existence. The migraine beast constantly tries to pull the migraineur back to a scaled down version of life. The migraine beast likes things to be really simple and safe. He is at his happiest accompanying me to work or social events or holidays! Hand in hand we walk to work and sometimes, like the children I live and work with, he starts to play up! I come home with the beast trying to set up home inside my head!

So when new opportunities arise that look like they could add a sense of reward and excitement, yet may stretch us because these opportunities are new/demanding/exciting/ what do we do?

I find myself as a working migraine mum wondering lots about how to handle my use of time. Do I say no to new things because they may make my life harder and may give me more migraines?

I guess health does need to be a priority as without health you can't function at all. But there comes a point when taking on some activities that bring you a sense of excitement, reward or fulfilment can in fact be healing itself. To live your life through migraine is inevitable when you experience them so regularly but somehow, we need to be able to put the migraine beast in his cage so that the effects of this beast don't permeate everything we do. I have found that working a little has helped me enormously in developing my confidence and self esteem.

I have gone too far in the past, trying to pretend that I don't have a chronic illness. Denying the Beast can also be detrimental to your well being. Yes, migraine is about awful debilitating pain and all the other symptoms but the effects of recurring migraine can cascade into all aspects of life...confidence, self esteem, career, social life. Denying it, or to put it another way, hiding it, is another way of adding pressure. I have realised when I keep getting migraines and get stuck in that cycle of pain, it would be better to be honest with those around me, especially my work.

So what is the answer.? I think a continued reflective way of living. Being aware for space, rest and unstimulating environments and trying to find these where You can each day. This is not easy living in a family as children and work normally present the absolute opposite to what a migraineur needs! So, an even more concerted effort needs to be done in response to the times that are out of our control...I find this a constant battle, a way of life and makes me realise I am living with a disability. Because of this, I have decided to tell my boss and be more honest. I'm hoping that will help me handle the load at work better and my attitude towards the beast.


Keep calm and don't let the beast take over.


MM xx

Coping with a chronic pattern of migraine

I'm a walking migraine. No work today and only just managed to be mum this morning, trying to pack my 3 off to school.

"Mum, I can't find my tights". Migraine mum scrabbles around in the drawers.

"The tights must've been washed....let's try the linen baskets".....washing flies everywhere...no luck...."hmmmm...", hand on chin and looking into the sky, "the tights must be in the tumble dryer" (I'm beginning to sound like Sherlock Holmes, working out some intricate mystery....THE CASE OF THE MISSING TIGHTS)...migraine mum runs like a maniac downstairs (not a good idea as movement hurts my head even more, I feel sick)....we only have 5 mins to go before it's time to leave for school (stress, I'm not dressed yet either). "Brush your hair and teeth while I am doing this" I shout  up the stairs...(ow) but child 2 & 3 decide following me around is much more interesting...oh no, wet washing in the tumble dryer......"ok (last resort) let's look in the washing machine. Aha! Mystery solved! Just wear these ones! " (the ones she wore yesterday.....a bit smelly but hey ho! They are dry!)

Some days I can get requests like this from all three children before school and it serves as a reminder to me that Migraine mum is not keeping up with everything.

For a couple of months, I have been getting migraines that keep coming back. I feel as though my body needs to stop and rest but I have been ignoring this. I am in a cycle of pill popping and catching early nights to cope....it's not working. I found myself crawling on the floor at 3am (not ideal), looking for a tablet I had dropped....then going downstairs to get more tablets and a drink of water. When I woke this morning, I looked in my glass of water and saw a floating egg cup! Even amongst the pain and weariness, I found myself chuckling at that! My brain is definitely not working!

So why am I in this chronic pattern? I think it's all to do with pacing myself...again! I don't give into them because I am frightened that my life will be reduced down to migraine. I love working and I hate missing out. I feel I have so much to give. I want to be a mum full of energy and fun, I love being creative but this seems to drain me. I am frightened that if I start to give into the migraines, my boss will start to notice and then I will be questioned as to why I am off so much. I want to be seen as a person who is well and not someone who can't cope with life (my interpretation)...I feel weak and unreliable. Sometimes taking a pill enables me to carry on so when I get a migraine I work on the theory that once the pill has got into my system and the pain has gone, I can carry on as normal and no one needs to know. It's like a dark secret that only my most dearest will know... This works the majority of the time but not at the moment .

I have no final answers today, only that I am now listening to my body. I think I need to review how I am spending my spare time (which I have been filling with lots of creative and satisfying activities that make me feel alive!) Perhaps migraine mum needs to accept that being mum and working a little is enough and may be this chronic cycle of pain, exhaustion and more pain will fade away again. My head says yes but my heart says no!

 For now, i'm off for another sleep (This morning, I was rudely awoken from my 'healing' sleep by my neighbour drilling in the room next to mine...what are the odds)! MM x

Chronic migraine and a gluten and dairy free diet

Drum roll........ladies, gentlemen and people who suffer from a unilateral, throbbing headache, nausea, sickness, aversion to light, noise and movement......migraine mum is baaaaaccckkkk!

What a blog-break! I only popped out to the chemist to get my lorry load of drugs and suddenly it's 2014! Just over a year without writing........

My blog has never been completely out of my mind as the ongoing life journey of living with migraine continues. Despite my absence, migraine mum has continued to be read by you fellow migraineurs from the UK, Russia, New Zealand, America and countries in Europe. It really is a widespread illness and people need support. Clearly there are loads of us literally searching all over the world for answers.

So why did I stop writing? I got a job! I know! I never thought I'd be able to even look for a job, let alone get one!

When I last wrote, I had been on a gluten and dairy free diet for 6 months. Those 6 months were frustrating as I found no great changes in my pattern but I couldn't seem to eat any gluten or dairy without being ill (stomach and migraines). Then, in September 2012 my migraine pattern gradually started to change for the better. The first sign of this was me getting side effects from a drug I'd been taking everyday for a year!.......my only explanation was that my stomach was beginning to absorb the drug better.......May be my stomach was healing?

I think it was. I noticed the very mild stomach problems I had been having we're lessening too. And my head seemed to be the next part of my body to heal. Apparently, people with coeliac disease have inflammation in their bodies......could a gluten intolerance create inflammation in a person's head?
Anyway, I felt great and suddenly felt loads more energy to do things I hadn't felt like doing for years!

You all know this.....Migraine puts you into an awful vicious cycle.....the migraine makes you ill (sick, intense pain, unable to move, unable to tolerate life), you get exhausted trying to cope with it at the same time as all the demands made on migraine mums and dads (children still need company, bottoms wiped, food cooked, tantrums handled etc whether you are ill or not). The drugs themselves can make you feel low and tired, you don't eat because you feel sick, and the food you do eat sits in your stomach like a brick or ends up vomited down the toilet!

CHRONIC migraine in my experience does all of the above repeatedly through the weeks,  PLUS it affects mental health, confidence and self esteem. So I surprised myself how quickly I wanted to get back into employment. I started very cautiously and I am now doing 14.5 hrs a week, working with a child in mainstream school.

Am I cured? I still get 2-4 migraines a month and I think they have got slightly worse again since doing more hours. I still need to monitor how I sit, how much sleep I have, when I sleep, when I eat, what I drink and how much, how I relax and how I handle stress and hormones just add a multitude of problems. No I am not cured.

Can I manage work, children, and a busy household? Well, it's taken me over a year to tell you lot about it which suggests that life has been rather busy! I am enjoying the demands more and able to say yes to more things (I even had a vodka without a migraine the other day!). So I do feel like I am now in the world of the living!

I am not saying everyone with migraine should do the same as me. We will all have different tools to help us. I would love to hear what has worked to lessen your pattern or severity.

PS my only regret re the diet is that I didn't get tested for coeliac disease. I feel I should've done.





Tools may be required for diet, sleep, drink (water, caffeine, alcohol), posture, fitness, relaxation, drugs, managing time for doing and eating. What tools do you have in your kit? Do you need to find any more? We will all have different solutions as we are all unique but I really hope that somehow my story can help with yours.